If you’ve been thinking about couples therapy but haven’t made the call yet, there’s a good chance one of these thoughts has crossed your mind:
“I don’t want to sit there and talk about my feelings for an hour.”
“I’m not going to dig through my childhood. That’s not the problem.”
“What if the therapist takes sides?”
“What if it doesn’t actually help?”
Those are fair concerns. And they’re also based on a version of couples therapy that isn’t what we do at Campbell Counseling. Here’s what it actually looks like.
You Don’t Have to Excavate Your Past
A lot of people assume couples therapy means lying on a metaphorical couch and tracing every conflict back to something that happened in third grade. That’s not it.
What we do pay attention to is the patterns; specifically, the pattern you two have fallen into. Because almost every couple who comes in has one. It shows up in different ways, but the underlying dynamic is usually recognizable within the first couple of sessions.
That’s actually one of the things that surprises people most: how quickly we can see what’s happening.
There’s Probably a Pattern and It Has a Name
Researchers and clinicians have spent decades studying what goes wrong in relationships. Two of the most well-known frameworks are Gottman’s Four Horsemen and the concept of losing strategies.
The Four Horsemen; criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling, are communication patterns that predict relationship distress with striking accuracy. Most couples recognize at least one or two of them immediately when they hear the descriptions.
Losing strategies come from Relational Life Therapy (RLT) (a model developed by Terry Real) that is central to how Zina works. They’re the things we do in conflict that feel protective or justified in the moment, but that actually push our partner further away. Shutting down. Going on the attack. Making it about winning instead of connecting. None of it is done out of malice but it doesn’t work, and most couples are exhausted from the cycle.
Naming the pattern isn’t about assigning blame. It’s about finally being able to see what you’re both caught in.
The Therapist is Active
This Isn’t Just Venting
Zina Petersen, one of our couples therapists at Campbell Counseling, is trained in Relational Life Therapy (RLT), a model that is direct, structured, and focused on change. The therapist isn’t a passive facilitator who nods while you talk at each other for 50 minutes.
In RLT, the therapist actively names what’s happening in the room. If a losing strategy shows up during a session, Zina will point to it: not to shame anyone, but because seeing it in real time is often more powerful than any amount of talking about it.
Sessions move. There’s a direction. Most couples leave with something concrete to think about or try.
From Shame to Understanding
Here’s something that often surprises couples: understanding why you fight the way you fight actually matters, not as an excuse, but as a path forward.
Most of us learned how to be in relationships by watching the people who raised us. We absorbed their patterns, their ways of handling conflict, their definitions of closeness and distance (often without realizing it.) When those patterns show up in our adult relationships, they can feel shameful. I know better. Why do I keep doing this?
The work isn’t about digging up the past for the sake of it. It’s about recognizing that the way you show up in your relationship makes sense given what you learned, and that it can change. Moving from I’m a bad partner to I learned this, and I can do something different is often where real progress begins.
What the First Few Sessions Look Like
Most couples come in feeling one of two things: either they’ve been fighting so much that they don’t know where to start, or things have gotten so quiet that they’re not sure there’s anything left to say.
Both are good starting points.
In the early sessions, Zina is listening and watching: tracking the interaction, understanding each person’s experience, and identifying the pattern that’s keeping the two of you stuck. By the end of the first couple of sessions, most couples have a clearer picture of what’s actually happening between them (often for the first time.) That clarity alone can be a relief.
Couple’s Therapy in Indianapolis
If you’ve been waiting for the right time, or the right reason, or some sign that things are bad enough to justify going — you don’t have to wait that long. Most couples who benefit most from therapy come in before the relationship is in crisis.
Zina Petersen at Campbell Counseling works with couples navigating conflict, communication breakdowns, trust issues, and the general wear of building a life together. She is in-network with UHC/UMR and Anthem, and offers both in-person and telehealth sessions.
If you’re ready to stop running the same argument and actually get somewhere different, we’d love to help.
Contact us here to get started.
Campbell Counseling is a group therapy practice on the Northside of Indianapolis, Indiana. We offer individual, couples, teen, and specialty group therapy. Our clinicians are in-network with UHC/Optum and Anthem.
